I never considered myself to be enabler to my husband and kids but someone made me see the light. Long story long, my family and I were at a friends house this past weekend for a open house to showcase all of the work her and her husband did to their house - which is amazing! My two children, ages 4 and 2, were running around with the other kids having a great time. At one point, my son had to use the bathroom and my daughter wanted more strawberries, so I excused myself from a coversation my husband and I were having with a friend and took my kids along their way. When I returned, my husband asked if everything was good and taken care of. At that point, our friend, who is a male, made a joke that I was taking care of everything while my husband just talked and drank his beer without worrying about anything. So, I got to thinking... have I gotten him used to this? Is this my fault? At first, I denied it, but after thinking about our daily routine, I realized that I was way wrong. Here are some of the ways I enable: while on vacation at the beach last week, I awoke with the kids every morning and fed them breakfast. I fed them lunch. I changed my daughters diapers. I fed them dinner. When we're at home I feed them breakfast, I feed them lunch, I change my daughters diapers and you guessed it, I feed them dinner. This is insane! What have I done? Yes, my husband will not cut the edge of their sandwiches the way I do, but will they get sick from it? No. He may forget to shut the blinds when putting my daughter in her crib for a nap, but will she get hurt from this? No. So, as of a few days ago, I have decided to delegate and let go and it feels good. It is not an easy task for a control freak such as myself, but this is a great exercise. Last night, as I was preparing dinner for myself and my husband I asked him to come up with something to feed the kids and then fix it. It was a step in the right direction. Sometimes, for the sake of our sanity, we need to let go and speak up. My husband would never have known that I was boiling inside - it's just how men are wired. It took a friend of mine bringing it to my attention and I am so glad he did, otherwise I would continue this madness.
So my question to you is do you ever resent your spouse for anything?
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Excellent topic. I am deathly afraid of this dependency trap! I think many of us stay-at-home mommies/wives feel like we should do EVERYTHING house related to uphold OUR end of the bargain...i.e. our husbands are making the dough, so we should take care of the house and kids. Unfortunately - this inevitably ends up being a 24/7 job instead of the balanced 40 hrs. I heard my sister speak of this conundrum over the past 16 years, and I have been fighting it ever since my inaugural as CEO of my clan this past December. Luckily, this generation of men are more hands-on then those of past...THANK GOD. I have no idea how our mothers before us did it!
ReplyDeleteOh yes....Laundry. He has more dirtly clothes than a house full of kids, but he continues to stuff them in to the hamper without throwing them in the washer(which is about 2 feet from the hamper). It drives me crazy. Finally, after telling him "you know I love you, right?" (not sure why I felt compelled to say that), I asked him to start paying attention to the amount of laundry that needed to be cleaned, and he's been doing it ever since. This is not the only frustration I have. Cleaning toilets? Washing the dog bowls? All around house straightening in general? It would not get done if I didn't do it. He would do it if I asked him, but who wants to ask all the time. I don't want to sound like a nag, but I guess you have to speak up about it. In my case, sounds like yours too, it actually helps.
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